Quotes (total: 828)
Newest quotes first. Still a work in progress.
"ah microwave, feeding intelligent lazy people for decades now"
"I smell weed"
"you are a very good liar. it worries me actually"
"your sister is a wise woman, you should listen to her"
"I like stuff that leaves a taste in your mouth... like a good taste"
"Candice, sometimes I wonder about the things you say"
"I was having an intense conversation with myself and the computer"
"the gun range is scary... it's like real bullets, yo"
"popsicles are dangerous"
"Candice, you look like a tiger"
"you're like an attacking squirrel"
"oooh noo! I will karate chop in the nut sack!"
"thank the heavens for whoever invented Pinesol"
"that's right, I'm making fun of you, psycho!"
"this girl has a f'in set of balls on her. I'd like to see her drop her pants and see if she has balls"
"I forget how useful you are"
"Go for the boxes marked 'pillows' XD"
"you're much more helpful than spellcheck"
"Good thing the Good Lord doesn't hold grammatical errors against his followers or this person would be f*ed. "
"I can do simple math"
"you make some funny noises"
"these shoes need pants"
"being the best isn't what I'm after. being awesome and happy is."
"I skip all helicopter maps in Bad Company 2 because they suck, unless I'm on the team with the autistic pilot who only plays heli maps"
"what d'ya know, driving and eating ice cream don't mix"
"if she were a lesbian she'd be cool, but she's not, she's a regular chick"
"You're so awesome with updates. Make a good army girl."
"well I'd better match ya, for sure, can't be beaten by a GIRL for my hardware. :D"
"when you're in love with someone you have blinders... when you've had heartache it's like having microscopic vision"
"I'm Asian, I eat anything"
"I get nothing if I listen to a fool."
"I'm gesturing to myself in a lewd fashion"
"nothing like throwing a pig skin around and running for your life! Okay, not for your life, but I pretend :P. Heck, big sweaty dudes chasing after you to squish you and steal your prized possession? Close enough!"
"What is this Timmie's you speak of? A nice breakfast place in Canada?"
"I saw deer on my way to work! Langley really is in the sticks!"
"what's that called where people don't have colour?"
"They are fools of the highest calibre. They did basically give Harper a majority, after all."
"You just scared the piss out of an old woman standing next to me"
"Catholicism is about the most basic as you could get, other than standing on a soap box and yelling at people that they're going to hell."
"nothing beats bible thumping an innocent child in the morning."
"I suck real good"
"I got more of a tan in Whitehorse than in India"
"whip it out already, I'm curious!"
"feels really good to go pee"
"Bono is bueno"
"that'll be like us in 30 years"
"gonna have to check you into a Mentos clinic"
"cuz I'm an insomniac with ADHD who takes stimulant meds HA"
"I'll N/A your face off!"
"be interesting to see what you'd do with a cake recipe"
"fuckin 3D it's ruining my life"
"you don't have an ass"
"I love our PVR"
"you know it's spring/summer when the bellinis are out"
"I'm a fuckin genius!"
"I most definitely will...try to...probably vote"
"Excuse my speed. using my phone while sneezing like a maniac"
"Swype is the bomb!"
"We can't all be created with wisdom and knowledge like yourself :)"
"maybe we should call you the Bug Whisperer"
"I'm about to bash # somebody"
"my brain's going to need to be rebooted soon"
"she's so mean! she seems so nice and then these things come out of her mouth!"
"when I went to Vegas I gambled $5... that was enough for me"
"my brain is like mashed potatoes"
"hearty vegetable? more like watery vegetable!"
"Wow Dan you got a whole 2 kills that game"
"nothing like coming to one of these things to make you feel young"
"that's the problem with symphonies and ballets and the like, the artists require a lot of adulation - a little polite clapping isn't enough"
"I have trouble believing anyone thinks about as many things as I do"
"this is making me want to drink"
"I'm very in love with alcohol"
"Just stopped and changed a lady's flat tire... she wanted to give me 70 bucks for doing it but my pig-headed chivalry got in the way :("
"I was thinking maybe you got turned into a zombie..."
"Black and white love movie? Likely Night of the Living Dead with Wayne licking the screen... Does that count as a love story?"
"the dying fish technique"
"I think my brain just died a little"
"man you just killed the shit out of them"
"I just left the cinema, went next door 2 cemetery, killed a zombie, returned to the cinema... that's a good day's work!"
"Have fun and don't shoot anyone we like"
"we need to win the lotto then we'd be the coolest chicks ever"
"if we kept driving straight we would have hit the quay and then the ocean"
"I'm playing solitaire cause I'm addicted. I need to go to Solitaires Anonymous"
"I'm really good at finding bullets with my head"
"what the hell kinda call was that daughter hmmm stupid zebras anyways :)"
"You can call me squidface."
"We'll play sometime soon though, I ultra pinky promise."
"I can't wait till we can upgrade to Mexican standards /w unlimited. lol
"I'm goin all out and putting heat in my bedroom"
"you're crazy... it's certifiable now"
"the Tank has a way of spoiling your day"
"enjoy my nutsack on you"
"no way we're making it that far... I mean... go team!"
"Canada is 27th/30 in this chart
for net service. we're like Mexico and Australia. like Iceland beats us? seriously?"
"now if I were Halo, where would I be..."
"awww I thought it was a jammies day"
"is there anything notepad CAN'T do?"
"1992 called and wants their tie back"
"that corner gives me a headache. guess I could never be a fighter pilot eh? pull some gs."
"It's just got those retarded questions that the answers aren't actually the correct answers they are just what the book says"
"I don't know, I just know he's younger than Kim"
"have you ever biked in the snow? it's kinda terrifying"
"we're awesome... it's true"
"I only like boring rice"
"no task too daunting"
"there's so many privacy laws it's ridiculous"
"if I hear any more talk about you going vegetarian I'll feed you bacon through an IV"
"ooh, it smells potato-ish"
"Where the fuck do I learn English?"
"Blue Bloods is like Canada and Rookie Blue is like Mexico"
"I know eh daughter frigging guys anyway let the goalie play goal tryin 2 kick at it dumbass lol"
"Almost got killed by a grape! Thank god they had a kiosk for me to grab! I almost took a major header! Drama is my life!"
"At least we're not moving on a bicycle"
"Oh GOD I have the Skype Herpes. I feel so un-clean"
"I am a 'toucher'... um not in a 'naked in my basement' kind of way tho"
"all I have is pudding... sexy, sexy pudding"
"'class' is the difference between gawking and glances. lol"
"the only thing Apple got right was minimize to tray"
"I should make a t-shirt /w a pic of Data and a Google android saying 'fuck Apple, I'm an android'"
"I'm like Alcatraz, there is NO escape"
"my husband doesn't even cook ice cubes"
"I accidentally bust my head. But I was okay though"
"I accidentally peed on the toilet"
"I feel shoe naked"
"I sneak around major cities when I'm bored"
"I do enjoy getting my ass handed back to me, it's a new fetish I have"
"I love C4"
"There's an alarm that keeps going off in your bed somewhere"
"I found a dime today! I'm making money!"
"It's a lot of drama being a lesbian, hey?"
"Having a vocabulary is a horrible thing"
"some people don't think including me!!!"
"it sounds like tofu with fur on it"
"have you noticed any wrinkles yet?"
"Old people don't text and stuff. That's how I'll know when I'm officially old, when I stop texting"
"I don't like a lot of the world"
"I'm good at hiding things in drawers"
"I'm bad at counting"
"It's fun taking apart stuff"
"I wanna be a kid. I just wanna play in the play pen"
"I've been eating aspirin like they're pills."
"The internet is crazy good"
"Ah, I've got a cramp in my ass!"
"I think they're healthy schnacks to snare"
"I think I'm having an aneurysm or something"
. Half as useful but twice as good looking"
"I'm like hello, I don't talk stupid"
"I guess you're judging me right now"
"hey I'm not monogomous for apps, whoever's got the action! :D"
"Gastown air is not fresh air"
"why are you so mean?"
"What's wrong with polygamy?"
"You know it's windy when you gotta hold down your toque"
"These are the days I wish I were bulimic"
"Wake up! You said afternoon coffee walk!"
"I'm still a bit confused. I'm sorry, I'm a bit of an idiot"
"Why do you have to be like that?"
"I'm just a number"
"I read up to "you're right"...then I was too full of myself to continue to read past that"
"the one that I wear, I mean this one I saw before....was cotton"
"don't forget to eat dinner"
"sightings are more rare than white siberian tigers!"
"Have not heard from you since the Olympics.. I thought you and Crosby linked and you moved back to Pittsburgh with him ;-)"
"that's why I looked like a bum forever"
"Tell em to fix it right this time"
"yeah, it's me. I suck."
"You're a pushy bum"
"I haven't seen you for how long and now that you're here you're all... mean"
"I'm either dyslexic or a little bit stupid... or maybe both. Probably a little of both."
"everyone has issues"
"technically you should be sitting naked"
"my nuts don't have salt on them"
"ice cream is not a laughing matter"
"They need to put up cell towers in the tunnel"
"two people of such insane magnitudes of awesome cannot be in the same room... the office would explode with awesome"
"my eyebrows are too long. they collect stuff"
"I'm the gadget girl!"
"I'm a real person now"
"Gah I have been trying to make sense of it in BlackBerry and just about had a stroke. It reminds me of Sam
's issues with pronouns"
"Candice I think you love Canada :D "
"A Swede gets hit in the head with a flying can of Molson Canadian"
"Met with Sam
and he showed up on time. Even God was surprised!"
"If I were to see Bill Gates standing on the corner. I'd walk up to him and slap him once across the face as hard as I could then walk away"
"Little Miss...! Shut your mouth"
"you're going to become this super goddess gamer who's going to win all these tournaments"
"figure skaters have good butts"
"this wiki thing sure is informative. I can ask anything without being told I'm an idiot"
"it's almost Valentine's Day again? Rats! I forgot to get a girlfriend again this year grr grr"
"it's gonna taste like ass"
"I hate being brain washed. brain wash me back to normal please!"
"I don't like to search for stuff"
"it's too bad you're not into smoking the pot, then you'd never be in pain"
"I'm walking like there's something up my ass"
"Yeah gonna eat a dozen a day now.. Well until my heart stops;-)"
"I would gladly punch Bill Gates square in the nuts right now"
"I hate Google, so why am I using Chrome?"
"Whoever said you can't change a man never met Mark"
"Never in a million years would we have thought we would be saying this to our toddler, "If you eat your pizza, you can have more spinach.""
"it's just underpants! I mean..we all wear'em!...most days...ok just Tuesday"
"how can you play with a TV that big?"
"I have to avoid eye contact or she'll turn me into stone"
"yeah, I'm a magic man!!"
"well not every game can be a multiplayer FPS...jeez"
"You suck... ass"
"Did you float here?"
"did this tree just get bigger?"
"Get your bum out of my way!"
"I'm a bit of a bum"
"conquering ignorance one poster at a time."
"I forgot about myself :s"
"I suck? ... well... pooh you!"
"I'm just accidentally dirty "
"I feel like being an ass"
"obviously I'm the biggest dork in this corner "
"I'm so clever with my word play"
"You're on trial...and guilty of stupidity...sentence...lifetime of duh... "
"Unless yer gonna wipe them out from the get go it's best to not mistreat others."
"Candice, I miss kicking your legs around"
"I'm a personal door opener"
"I'm the Asian version of Tiger Woods"
"How goes it, dokrus maximus? I'm going crazy here..."
"all I've been eating for 3 days now is liquid food, wth, I'm not a baby"
"dude. I'm gonna faint from starvation"
"learning hurts the brain"
"ya text limits are lame. email STILL rules! WOOO"
"Well back in MY day it was 33.3kbps BOTH WAYS, 140 chars was UNHEARD of, and MP3's were HUGE!!!! :)"
"What do you MEAN the Colbert Report isn't available on Comedy Central for Canadians? Fucking Ingrates! *takes maple syrup and our space arm*"
"when I sleep, I see Tetris in my mind"
"you're like the one exception in the world"
"Candi's always kicking ass"
's going to be late for his own funeral... His hearse is going to break down or something"
"You're getting too tired to keep your eyes open in your old age."
"Dream of bald kitties wanting cuddles!"
"Jack was sniffing my butt"
"I hate these people. they're so dumb"
"The internet is my favorite store"
"maybe it's you that attracts the stupid"
"it's down like Charlie Brown"
"I'm not sure why, but I really like eggs"
"that means Chris
is a girl!"
"I have to man up to face Susana
"I don't want to be a big hairy guy"
"I was like, maybe I'm an idiot"
"time travelling. very good, Candice"
"Can't have our ultra-drummer get stuck on beginner cause we have no kick pedal."
"I hate computers."
"I am not into 2 doors anymore.. guess I'm old"
"I'm dumb :)"
"yer INVALUABLE Candice and don't market yourself properly"
"super sweet, icing on ice cream cake sweet!"
"I checked the weather forecast for the next 10 years and it said a little bit of rain, but no snow"
"you're in the 25 - 34 age group aren't you? man you're getting old"
"I'm flattered that you think I have a strategy"
"goddamn! get it out of your head!"
"it's trying to creep out from that thick-ass fog"
"they all say they have $20 in the bank"
"Jack, stop sniffing me"
"I should respond in all caps, see how they like it"
"I hate those shoes. I hate them with my guts"
"fuck me with a rubber chicken"
"you don't trust me man"
"I hate this phone, it crashes on me all the time... That's why I never buy an Apple product - it looks so shiny, but it's a piece of garbage"
"look at those boobies"
"oh and a new game came out and I totally kick my friends' asses at it"
"I prefer girls doing it"
"if you got hitched... that'll be an odd conversation"
"I think I've successfully scared Kelly away from having babies"
"I tried Guitar Hero over the summer.. and it's actually AWESOME! did you ever imagine me saying that??"
"you're an angel"
"all I do is eat and sleep. like a bear"
"for a woman, if you don't like her kid(s), she'll pounce you and try to kill you with a spoon"
"I think she'd notice if we disappear. she's a bit of an attention hog"
"I hope your co-worker gets the annoying callers!"
"if you were to understand Sam
's thinking it means you've been up for a week straight, or had a stroke"
"it's just like Sam
to load up a game to tell you he can't play. it's like waking someone up to tell them it's time for bed"
"you're Candice... what more could we ask for?"
"you know what I suggest... a lobotomy...I'm looking into one for myself. we can go together"
"dating is for suckers. when the quality of people improves... then you can look into dating"
"they think I'm a control freak. which I am"
"I know, we're old. We are old."
"I'm a banana"
"no! if I do no one will help me (at work)"
"OH my god they made another tombraider game ... sigh"
"ya it better come out in 2009 ...or heads will ROLL!"
"k thx, she's my gf"
"No more Tuesday night rockband? NOOOOOOO!!!!"
"you might end up running the show but I at least wanna be part of the moment!"
"and JUST FOR YOU Candice. yer my only contact I use /w this. everyone else just gets crapbook"
"Candice geez. you need to get some. no more erotic diablo stories for YOU YOUNG MISSY!"
"ya my bad. trying to hold awesome Candice. Trevor, Candice has other things to do other than chat w/ you. get yer own Candice. BUT I WANT THAT ONE! :P"
"The way Sam's going the only way he'll be a teacher is in a Charlie Brown cartoon :p"
"he quit from intimidation. best kinda win"
"he is a nice housecat"
"Geezus... I sound like the adults in Charlie Brown."
"since my strength is so high, doing the Bitch Slap move can and most likely WILL kill a Villager if you use it on a child or woman. ...I've killed three so far by accident"
"This could totally get me in trouble - clicking on random japanese Youtube videos"
"Holy hell, being that dumb takes effort."
"I don't think of it as a chicken foot, I think of it as an extension of the drumstick"
"Wonder what they were doing instead of practicing. Coke + whores = terrible distraction I'd guess"
"I'm hoping that Blizzard will announce that they completed D3 and forgot to announce it and it's coming out tomorrow!"
"every time I click on something.. it's like 'are you sure you want to click that?!?! It could pontentially change something or destroy the world!!!'"
"my mom only knows how to get online and download viruses"
"I'm not a child!"
"I go outside and my nipples get hard - first the left, then the right"
"that piece of shit van is so ours!"
"Their firefighters are also really fat since they don't have hills in either province. :P"
"Dave said it's probably a conspiracy to try to make conspiracy theorists look stupid. LOL"
"Typing is for suckers"
"Pretty soon I'll be your only friend that isn't married it seems"
"damn panty thieves"
] calls I'm driving, taking a shower or talking with someone pretty"
"I'm asking Santa for a Kindle, but he'll probably just get me firewood"
"he just seems like the kind of guy that needs to be kicked in the groin periodically"
"At least your eye-rolling muscles will get all toned up on this job :P"
"'Porn it up a bit and it'll be hit like crazy!' :P"
"me no weirdo, me normal"
"WOW I talk like that? How embarrassing...HAHA!"
"the things I do for you.. like, turn on my wii at random times.. I must like you or something"
"I told him 'yeah but she's MY friend now'"
"we require the type of validation that can only be achieved by being listed on your quotes page"
"hey did you hear?? the Bombers WON!!!"
"you may not wanna be putting up vids of us playing on expert, it may discourage your other friends"
's a jerk! he was chasing me to hit me with his star"
"Like, slap upside the head for you, retard"
"You can update your Facebook saying 'is no longer a hobo'"
"my photo is eyeing me. it's like 'what are YOU looking at?!'"
"maybe he was correcting you"
"you're the wittle baby! *pinches cheek*"
"but I can hope. some thin faint hope at some nano level. micro-nano level"
"all I need. pain blood bugs and storms"
"are you sure you don't wanna go into a metal band with me and Kev
"They really need to make a Metal Band game. You could have a catch phrase like 'Other music not hard enough for you?' 'Can't form actual words?'"
"still a burden on society?"
"the thing about bikes is... it's not automatic. you gotta actually like.. work. uphills are hard"
"I've noticed that since I've become more apparent in my pregnancy.. Dave's gotten carded less. there's a correlation there!"
"I like looking at my character's ass while she runs. the game is so pretty you can't help it. it's like 'wow, my character has a nice ass. geez.'"
"why bother when I've got you on chat?!"
"Corey Taylor has a sexy voice. he can stalk me anytime. be a vast improvement on my current stalker"
"Free is free so why not ... Actually maybe I should listen to it so it's not one that's like 'ack this song blows' ... Well whoever does it it's pretty fucking impossible to find so it can't be that great"
"I feel like offering them to him for like crazy cheap just to find him and kick his ass"
"if seeing Britney Spear's vagina is wrong, then I don't want to be right!!!"
"people annoy me more when it's Monday. by Friday, I've been numbed by stupidity"
"'I fix stupid.' omg that should be on my business card!!! or rather, 'I attempt to fix stupid'. or maybe.. 'I can only fix stupid if you help me'"
"people are being charged to learn common sense? we can fix stupid for MUCH less! after they pay, the guy could be like 'that was lesson one. common sense should've told you that $3000 was too expensive'"
"Dude this Cain guy is freaking ancient"
"I'm not online"
"I get all excited cuz I think it's someone who wants to chat with me"
"was it a condom?"
"my eyes are starting to bleed"
"Have you ever wondered if game designers have ever actually played a game?"
"frogs are doing it on my tv"
"gtalk says you're not here.. maybe I'm imagining all this? you're a figment of my imagination"
"you can be an honorary aunt. so if one day a kid shows up on your door its because mommy went on a cruise :)"
"doctors are for suckers"
"it's wise to hide your axe. I know you have one! lack of use on me is much appreciated"
"what about going out and meeting some terrible bitches that'll play mind games with you for many years to come?"
"Yay! I have an answer all to myself!"
"I don't even know who you are anymore!"
"want any help, I am bored out of my tree"
"kelly mad. kelly crush!"
"damn those flying panda heads"
"only on wensday"
"I would so go bleed on a politician's furniture to prove a point"
"oh yes, it's lovely. except now I think I've melted"
"I promise I won't forget you (the little people) when I hit it rich"
"Well you see the sun evaporates water from standing water sources such as lakes and the sea etc etc and that water goes up into the sky and makes clouds now if a passing cold wind makes that evaporated water liquid again it comes down as rain"
"Poor fool would starve, I don't know how many other bugs get in your ear."
"you're such a girl!"
"eek hurry! I'm not sure what will happen if you hurry but I think that's better than not hurrying"
"OMG THAT WAS FUN!!"
"apparently the game doesn't like it when I win"
"TV and I do not have a working relationship"
"Makes you wonder if some people have to consciously breathe, they're so dumb."
"I'm noticing a pattern. you play a lot of games."
"I think suggesting a [computer] reformat is sort of like a heresy. it's almost a religious aversion that people have to it."
"in the US, that's an open invitation to bring your gun to work and open fire! :)"
"I was up till 3 AM playing stupid Dancing with the Stars"
"just WHAT kind of support are you giving them, Candice!"
"I'm so tired, I spelled post like this: poast"
"I know why that chick on the show got a make over.. She looked like Sara Sidle [from CSI]"
"She's crazy and wants you to join her. Misery loves company, but Crazy actively recruits."
"I was thinking it might be convenient to have a bluetooth [headset] I could use for both the PC and the phone, but those things make you look like a tool."
"they sounded pretty desperate on the phone though I think I will get it"
"me [being] nuts is a very bad thing"
"us short people need to stick together!!!"
"if someone was monitoring me, I would have gotten fired years ago"
"Pepsi levels in your blood too low?"
"am I a heartless bitch or are these people just morons??!"
"it's like someone took my head and stuck it on someone else's body"
"I hope you don't tell your future girlfriend that ;P"
"my brain was starting to hurt a little"
"I'd hate to live in that area code. that would suck"
"nurses are CRAZY!!"
"they say males mature slower.. but this is ridiculous"
"I just want to ask them if they picked up a job app from the store they bought it from"
"if you don't.. I will love you a little less"
"(trying not to fall off chair at the thought of not having a passport)"
"people should just give us money for being us"
"aren't you glad you have me? otherwise you'd have to wait an extra month for a dinosaur driving a tiny car"
"That was a delayed reaction of your taste buds, eh?"
"I know, I'm weird"
"I'd check but I'm busy selling & buying weed"
"you get to make $, buy houses - hey, YOU could buy women!"
"luckily I don't have very many friends"
"it's so embarrassing, like someone coming over and seeing your dirty bathroom."
"we need to rethink this friendship. I have expectations, you know"
"only if you add in some meat"
"you scare me!"
"If you don't absolutely love it, I'll be very, very surprised (not to mention very disgusted at your poor taste..)"
"aww, but they didn't include the insignia virus :("
"blame the preggy brain"
"I don't know how I'm gonna look in purple. maybe like a prune"
"aren't you glad I didn't make you a bridesmaid? I think you'd hate me forever"
"did you do okay at our wedding? I was like 'omg what is Candice going to eat?"
"if I wanted a regular video game to push buttons with, why would I have gotten a Wii?"
"get a fish, and then transfer him from one tank to another [with your hands] and then you can say, 'wow, so this is what it feels like to be pregnant'. I'll let you do it to our fish on Sunday - he can handle a little bit of trauma for the sake of life experience"
doesn't want to be a prune"
"shouldn't you be.... I got nothing. what's up?"
"I want a new job. one that pays better and requires less of me"
"I can make Kris sleep on the floor until we get you a bed"
"I'm already drunk with it."
"You cannot hide from the power of Class Support!"
"Duu U speekz like dat?"
"whenever I wanna talk to my husband, I have to sign onto Second Life
"sarcasm meter off the chart!"
"So.. how about.. you stop being mad at me now?.. Please oh please!?!?!?"
"no you suck!!!!!"
"I swear if I ever run into anyone from Microsoft I hope it's while I'm in my car doing 60 klicks and they're on foot jay-walking at night"
"How dare he make me work for my pay?? ;)"
"Walk home was old fogie free, and Diablo
is still safely in hand."
"they could violate me by pinching my butt!"
"I just had a customer say that I had an accent between Elvis and Bruce Campbell. I was like whaat?"
"it always makes me feel happy buying something pretty"
"What a gong show today was!"
"sometimes I think my mom calls my work phone to make sure I'm at work"
"who do you think is more coordinated - Justin, or a drunk Dagot?"
"little evil packets of joy"
"take it off!"
"let me see if this golf club will bounce off of your head"
"oh, you're callin me, bye!"
"wow dude I'm having some serious bed head issues today"
"We don't vote till next week! We're super leftovers! :)"
"don't want my green tea tasting like french vanilla. that would be weird"
"check out the wind outside...*crosses fingers for power outage* cross your fingers for a power outage too"
"I could sure use some vicks vapo rub"
"yeah man I'm a genius..."
"hmm...this isn't a virus is it?"
"you know you use my garbage can more than I do"
"see, that's why you're the genius and I'm not"
"I'm an effin genius..."
"DUDE totally got tripped out there a second"
"ok ... finally awake. that only took 1.5 hours"
"they try hard, they just don't think hard"
"The news media has kittens over it!"
"this has been GOOFED UP"
"I can throw chili at you"
"She's a very good dog, but I'm sure the installation guys don't want to get licked to death on the job!"
"These dogs have been banned from many communities due to their fierce licking and wagging abilities. Small children have been injured by the force of their tails!"
"dude my back hurts...played too much Wii last night"
"take me out to the pasture and shoot me"
"I lust after them!"
"I'm a big Jared fan"
"When someone's shadowing you, you need to duct tape them to your desk so they can't leave and can only answer your questions! :)"
"Candi, you're a freak"
":-O you're alive...I was worried the sickly people got you"
"it's Candice's game, she can do whatever she wants"
"I played Wii last night...and now my shoulder hurts"
"Short answer is no. Long answer is Hell no! :)"
"my laptop is so noisy...I wanna throw it against a wall"
"at least they don't use it and put it back"
"this company hires workaholic know-it-alls"
"I know I'm a genius"
"good time to take up smoking... lol just joking"
"something smells weird here"
"idiot man thinks we have nothing better to do"
"yeah I was trying to be profound"
"I call it the elixir of life myself :)"
"meh...I don't take it seriously anymore"
"oh noes! We've finally run him out of the place!"
"I fantasize about naps"
"sorry, I've used up all my answers for the day. you'll have to wait until tomorrow for me to replenish my hat of answers. :P"
"I must be talking to the world's biggest idiot right now :) if he can't figure out how to print a screen, there's not much I can do :)"
"wow I'm a freakin genius"
"your brain needs to be rebooted"
"I'm on fire!"
"sometimes I wanna smack them cuz they're so dumb"
"maybe you're not an easy kind of girl"
"what a damn week and I only worked 3 days"
"I can dress myself!"
"I spilled orange juice on my boobs"
"*rolling eyes* OK, OK ... I'll take a compliment if you're going to force that on me!"
"I like cheese. it's really good"
"you at the movies or something? you sleeping? you drunk? you sick? it's 9 o'clock, what the hell?"
"I am at a ducking strip club"
"Was it YO MAMA?"
"I'm so ducking tired it's not even funny"
"I'd like to kick the ducker next to me"
"Today ducking sucks... Stupid ducking ducks."
"hey punk, guess what... it's your birthday"
"relationships are founded on a moment of shared understanding."
"maybe you give off pheromones that attract the crazies to you.. should submit yourself to testing"
"you're a little more important than I am"
"I did go to university, you know."
"Just call me Switzerland"
"dude, stop eating the muffin, you're going crazy"
"Candice, you're boring"
"I'm so bored I may actually clean my apartment"
"yeah, that's procrastination biting me in the ass for the 10th millionth time"
, are you invisible?"
"OMG, I almost snorted my coffee up my nose from laughing"
"Americans can't spell worth shit"
"I love the bitchy Candice"
"it's like you're a flower"
"Candice, you have a lot of sad songs. you need some happy songs"
"if it's green don't worry"
"I have no issues about hitting another girl"
"you have a rebel phone"
"what other mystical powers does your face harbor?"
"we are having a super blast I hope we do not throw up"
"what the duck man. kick her ass. my phone won't cuss. what the duck is up with that.."
"holiday. shopping. hate kids. so. very. much. insert scream here."
"was on the phone for like twenty mins with some crazy drunk lady. she was nice though."
"well I've always been a fan of suicide.."
"greatest work out - moshing!"
"the mall's closed! what a damn day."
"... some people. If they had a half a brain they might be dangerous."
"You are the smartest person I know!"
"I have a very high iq"
"Get online, Candice, so I can say something cool so you can quote me!"
"I am thinking of adding Costa Rica to my list of places to bomb."
"All men are bastards."
"she fits the profile. she's crazy.. and she's into sports"
"I'll try. I'll probably start by skipping work."
"beans are icky. they make you poot! don't you know the song!"
"we need to move to a country where our money is worth more than it is now"
"I wanted to be different and take something useless"
"All the loony people are here today! I want to go home. c'est la vie"
"it says an orgasm stimulates the nerve that stops hiccups. I wonder how they found that out"
"it was the last copy. I half took it because some other guy wanted it"
"I think I was the cookie monster from Sesame Street in a past life"
"I would like to sedated with a brick to the head"
"all your songs say that don't they?"
"when I was unemployed all I did was play Diablo
... you're a bad bum"
"Stop making me laugh. They will figure out we're talking about them"
"I have no immune system...I get better when germs get bored of attacking me"
"if I can't even stand to write about myself... I feel horrible for the people who read about me as some sort of entertainment"
"just wait for the Turkish guy to call you at 4 am asking you to enlarge your penis"
"I don't want to sleep at work.. I don't trust these people... they might stick my hand in water or something"
"yeah, they should.. but if they did it would probably be something I'm allergic to"
"I'll tell you what I tell everyone else... and what I would tell my kids if I ever had any... Never try."
"I'm going to ask santa for an immune system this year"
"Vacation is hardest when you get back to work. Reminds you we have at least 25 more years to retirement!"
"I picked the default nose.. but I washed my hands afterwards"
"I still think it would be nifty to see you all girled out"
"Santa needs to bring me some willpower"
"people in general are all bastards. bastard coated bastards with a bastard filling"
"So why don't you wrap presents? irrational fear of paper cuts? did you once wrap your hand with the package?"
"You don't like most girls"
"You know it kinda sucks you're a lesbian you would make the best Girlfriend."
"I am Queen Dokr. Diablo
"I wish you could rename the demons in Diablo
. then I could relieve stress from work.."
"she can't be back in town, she hasn't called you yet"
"the sun like knocked on our window and screamed until I got out of bed"
"those little bastards hold a grudge like no other small cute woodland creature known to man."
"Creepy dreams are what makes life interesting"
"you'd make an awesome stalker.."
"I got 2 frickin chats going and I can't park my car, stop it!"
"you need a good Girlfriend"
"I'm gonna sing a song! Oh my, I'm a bit drunk!"
"maybe she thought the gnomes living in her tv would steal it. how's that for logical."
"all this stress is making me happy"
"I'm beginning to learn what pisses you off, Candice, and I try not to do them."
"you're too tiny to have people smaller than you"
"well Superman never read Freakonomics"
"you don't eat very much, but what you eat is horrid"
"I'm like the bagel bitch around here"
"you're crazy, but at least you're not mental"
"I'm really old"
"You know my phone knows to spell superman automatically but not Candice.. lol"
"everything tastes better when it's free"
"With a name like that, I wondered if it was a porno theatre."
"her forces are crashing against my cities like ugly guys trying to ask a hot chick out. ... I need snappier analogies"
"I think she's got a touch of Stockholm Syndrome if you ask me"
"most people don't think Canada exists... I mean, really... a place with government provided health care? that's the stuff of fairy tales"
"aw man, I need more friends"
"I'm Candice, I rock. Date me because I'm super-awesome. Not free Wednesday night. Must love cats and orange, and orange cats."
"there's a balloon by my butt and I can't get up"
"The current Pope is so stiff, he makes the old Al Gore look like his bones are made of jelly."
"I think I've developed a Pavlovian response to King of the Hill. Whenever I hear the theme music, I sigh and roll my eyes, then look for the remote."
"hold on. I'm talking to Candice."
"okay, who's got the vaseline?"
"the only way I'd be caught buying one is dead"
"Once again, I might find myself staring at the smooth, high wall of my own cowardice."
"That's the Candice we know and love - 'learn how to spell, you fuck'"
"take care of yourself dude... it's the most important thing you can do..."
"happiness is a result of choices"
"I've thought for the longest time that babies dressed up in winter clothing look like Bomberman."
"Loser, answer your phone. That's mean."
"Lets count down from ten to one, and close our eyes...inhale...and fall in love again; only this time...with just ourselves..."
"oops, I got a mohawk! doh! is my head ever white!"
"When I'm old I'll probably keep in shape by endlessly shuttling between rooms looking to do something."
"I'd say it's better than 'Candice, my Sam
-abusin' rarely amusin' compadre!'"
"I was a spiteful little bastard at times."
"100 years ago, a daily forecast that was reasonably accurate would have been a farmer's dream. Now hourly just doesn't cut it."
"it was neat until my eyeballs fell out"
"sleep next to a hair trimmer.. and if you get a hair cut... it was meant to be"
"ooh jeez..spiders.. bite size appetizers"
"you're an evil person"
"do you know any sane people?"
"I think we all know the answer to that; all ten of us"
"hey, you're wearing different shoes"
"I'm not really 'sincerely' anything"
"I hope you get to stand squished next to a cute stranger :)"
"as much as you claim to be a misanthrope, you love humans"
"for a girl that knows a hundred thousand words, you sure use that one a lot"
"what's the point in knowing people if you can't force them to do your bidding?"
"I'd clean your litter box if I don't have to bring Michael Moore"
"there is sadness in life without having fellows like Sam
Louis going about in Hawaiian shirts"
"I demand you quit your job and play Guild Wars with me on command"
"You are Candice - Friend of Kelly. that'll get you jobs and invites to exclusive clubs that I make up"
"My state executes more people than you could count in your life time...!"
"It's silly that I can see it's you when there's no head."
"I miss chatting with you. you have an actual brain whereas lots I know are just...ummm...really dumb."
"It would be so funny if he coughed up a hairball in your face"
"I am Helen, queen of the lazies!!"
"if ancient romans start rising from the dead and racking up gambling debts, then you'll be happy you hired me"
"this girl in one of my classes thought they spoke Latin in Latin America. I swear, to all that is good and holy... I nearly killed her because I was afraid I would catch her stupid."
"goddamn it I'm going to eat my meat.. and if a whiny vegan comes and bothers me about it I'll probably bite them too.. because I'm evil. and I embrace that"
"I think I would like to know [the sex of my baby]... if by some misfortunate accident I ever get pregnant"
"I have that problem - sometimes I think I'm being nice and I'm not"
"Oh and here's a tip... Make sure you REALLY like someone before you EVER consider shaving in areas... It's not a very pleasant feeling afterwards... Itching hurts."
"I'm not a whore though. just to clarify"
"Know what's scary about cats? They have the ability to tear out your eyeballs."
"Embrace the idiot in you. :)"
"I don't believe in stereotyping people, but if they're American, they're fuckin stupid"
"When I can't wipe my own ass it's time to die."
"lol.. you're like a little ball of fury.."
"but your brain might be different because you're a lesbian"
"I'm seriously considering getting a new job. I'm selling beer, but I'm not smiling."
"ladies are so wonderful to look at."
"I only work here because it makes me feel better about myself"
"Excuse nothing, I just won't lift a finger to check when it's on, lol"
"Looks like you've got the Ned-speak down! Diddly-own"
"I'm fucking watching 2 mice hump in my room."
"It is the spice of our relationship. I tell you things and you in return hit me and tell me it was either inappropriate or foolhardy."
"you're skinny, I think you should eat."
"NO ONE SUSPECTS THE SILLY INQUISITION!!!"
"Truth is one thing that is never leaving and is always welcome."
"does sweaty rabbit monkey sex count as happiness?"
"I am flawed because I enjoy the show for the storyline and character content. I am a betrayer of my lower areas."
"maybe I'll pack a little lunch in a hankerchief and put it on a stick."
"I don't own a gun... which is odd... because I'm Texan"
"I'm lost without my death icon *hugs icon*"
"I like me enough for both of us"
"you should never take me seriously"
"Well, he's been defying political gravity for so long, it was bound to happen"
"I remember wanting to register mofo.com, like 8 or 9 years ago. It was already taken by a washington lobby group, Morrison and Forester. How square."
"Oh Christ, the American in that thread is real thick headed. They should harvest his skull and use it to uparmour their Hummers in Iraq."
"I like my zombies shuffling, slow and numerous."
"well I don't think I'll even waste my free tickets on it then"
"I think anyone who doesn't call you a cunt is nice"
"as much as I bitch and whine about the government, I really wouldn't want to live anywhere else"
"but apart from using my browser, playing games on the net, downloading, using the connection for anything... it's not slow at all"
"and it's users like you who bring cool stuff right to my face. really? why leave my chair?"
"I think you need pink fairy wings and I'll get a set of bear ears and we'll taunt and assault people."
"in every religion, there's a specific goal to worship mother earth. I wonder why that always gets forgotten"
"being a geek it's possible to appreciate the nerds but normal people don't often"
"damn it, everyone should be interested in yoga!!!"
is about as threatening as a warm glass of milk before bedtime."
"true friendship usually ends with death"
"my Virgo friend....I have faith in you...."
"she's like godzilla... only with songs"
"Just get you into a Halo 2 room filled with arseholes and you're cursing like a sailor."
"I think we'd have a higher rate of people spontaneously combusting if we were unable to vent our rage and annoyances."
"We should not do things simply because they are easy or difficult. We should do them because they are the right thing to do."
"rarely do I get to talk to new males on my list who don't try to get into my pants and ask me 'asl?' they're a rare breed among the onliners these days"
"there should be more crotch jokes in the world. helps people relax. we all got 'em, might as well make fun of 'em"
"like, so the world is going to hell. least my screen is big. watch it in full color!"
"I see it now, Candice @ her command center is setting up the attacks as we know it folks. strategizing and planning for conquests..."
"I can't bring myself to shell that much for a DVD [over $40] very often. It's better to get someone else to do it."
"Honesty is good, but not if you use it as a bat to knock someone out with."
"Your super kind comments have inflated my ego. Now it's so big I have to carry the damn thing around in a wheel barrel! Do you know how hard it is to steer a wheel barrel when drunk?"
"And the avian flu. It's not derived from happy chickens, you know."
"I kinda should care... It kinda pisses me off.... but I'm also kinda indifferent. if that's all possible"
"I had no idea you were previously a Jehovah's Witness. You're far too cool a person. But I guess back then you weren't cool. :P"
"Support our humans."
"funny that we get a whole day off for 'president's day', but we don't get a day off to vote for the president"
"she's the single most angry and punch happy person that I know, and that's saying a lot"
"Candice is awesome... she's the shit!!!"
"you should ask Candice. she always has an honest opinion about everything"
"What can I say, they're stupid."
"people who are impulsive... and insane shouldn't be allowed to email other people"
"ahh... see, if there is a SCROLL on the side, means there is more than what you just see at the beginning...."
"Whoever said I was mean, cruel and sadistic missed out on my other good points :)"
"if I diss Canada Candice will kick me out of ACP and ban me"
"I hate tyops P"
"if you can't laugh your ass off at yourself, there's something wrong with you"
"It can be harder to tell age with fat chicks."
"if you just buy me that super sexy keychain, you can have my soul! My SOUL! It's only slightly used, theres a bit of a bend in one corner...but I'm sure it irons right out!"
"I sometimes think I can give Pocahontas a run for her moccassins..."
"eek, they'd own your soul then!"
"man did today ever take a long time to finish"
"secretly, I'm plotting my escape from America"
"you're the only chick I know that says the word 'fuckwad'"
"I think my version of hell would be to argue with stupid people"
"you have a naked girl on your computer?"
"yer the only one worth the time...lol"
"you don't have mental issues I gotta deal with to be yer friend"
"letting people be as they are is rougher short term but better long term"
"I wouldn't wanna upset the grammar queen"
"my dog's a lesbian"
"lol. crazy Candice."
"the worst followers of Jesus Christ are Christians."
"it's always fun to run away from a mob of pick-axing hypocritical jesus lovers"
"I had a conversation with God last night. She told me that Bush is on Her shitlist."
"if I die, let people know they're stupid."
"yeah it's nice to be able to make someone almost pee in their pants. you feel special."
"why anyone would choose ignorance over education is beyond me"
"I was quite sure you'd pop up somewhere in the theatre and punch the hell out of me for being a giggling git."
"Just think of it, you with us for 24 hours of smelly boy goodness."
"my rants make up for my lack of physical violence"
"you should quote that, just cuz it's so damn funny"
"We should scan Bart
's brain for useful info sometime."
"sorry Candice. yer boned!"
"I think people mistake Buddhism to be wussy-pussing around. And I am NOT a wussy-pusser."
"I was ready to throw my Buddhism towel in and say screw peace."
"you fucking rock Candice"
"I, Trevor, hereby give you the rights to boot, kick, punch, bite, chew, and ban any member of the Terrybyte community. Your admin status will shine over normal newbs and you'll look all leet and stuff"
"slow assed server. where's my 400kb? WHERE!?"
"yeah Dave doesn't like chatting with me"
"like I believe this is why I'm on this earth sometimes. just to make people laugh at me not being good enough at one thing or another. kinda like one big video game"
"goddamn it, just tell me what to do already! I'm tired of thinking on my own!"
"yo site is up, yo!"
"I'm making my own language, Jessese"
"I wonder what it would be like to talk to yourself in 20 or 30 years"
"we're a couple of dorksters"
"I feel like I've had five lives already"
"ah I love America. the land of the fucking stupid"
"if Bush is going to be in charge of the health of my pussy, I'm gonna die laughing"
"the last thing we need are computers that are smarter than us."
"not going to use a font named for a red state"
"always think lucky! if you fall into an ocean, when you get out, check your pockets for fish."
"don't know about you... but I feel like a million bucks when I have brand new underwear on"
"I find walking around the suburbs all day has given me new light. Like, I've seen 3 sets of keys now in people's front doors."
"I beat the edit queen!! score 1 for Helen, 325242 for Candice!"
"if I get any more hippie ideals, I might as well just never get out of the house"
"I feel like a dime in a mass of pennies."
"let me just look at its ports..."
"I take my cow without the moo"
"just being good at ranting means crap. having ideas is nothing if you don't do anything with them."
"if we were talking about private parts, this would be a much more worthy discussion"
"I am the most uncoordinated person alive"
"they could possibly be considered deadly weapons"
"Well, if you can't get your xbox back... then just kick your ex."
"well... that's cool that they can go to the washroom together I guess"
"old dirty man... that's what I wanna grow up to be"
"dude, you'd be screwed if you were in America lol"
"I'm surprised I don't have more than one stalker by now"
"it's amazing what your kid brain finds awesome compared to that of your slower and stupider adult brain."
"kittens and guns don't mix"
"Non-productiveness is an art form... one I am coming close to perfecting, no one sits on their ass and does nothing like I do!"
"Yeah you know how much I love paper work and standing in long lineups."
"you're worse than a backseat driver -- you're a sidewalk driver!"
"do I need to whip out the extra Helen humor?"
"I don't know if my shriveled black heart can handle that much cuteness"
"don't worry, you're still the Vanna White of Pick My Brain"
"can I move into your closet... I don't eat much and I'm potty-trained."
"I think I woke up on the stupid side of the bed today"
"my legs are for.. er.. shaving"
"I'm so PROUD that you discovered VIM all on your own"
"can never be too quick defending your own strangeness"
"I wanna connect with the homosexual artsy-fartsy world"
"yo site is down, yo!!"
"It's a sad hockey world when the fucking Flames are in the conference final and the Wings aren't."
"These girls are gonna be the death of me here."
"Your kinda thing is golf, how very lesbian of you."
"The internet is lame."
"Remind me to maul your skinny ass when I get down there."
"He'll suspect something if there's a large native walking up behind him with a large knife."
"I believe [in] the powers of female nipples."
"Maybe you missed your calling as a paparazzi."
"I love my computer Candice. like you don't know how much."
"Love takes hostages. It gets inside you... It hurts. Not just in the imagination. Not just in the mind. It's a soul-hurt, a body-hurt, a real gets-inside-you-and-rips-you-apart pain. I hate love."
"I love you Candice"
"alothopugh... that has got to be the mother of all typos"
"No offense, but yeah, she dresses like you."
"It's odd that someone who exudes idle inertia is hard to keep in one place."
"I thought it was bad yesterday when I served a customer that ought to have rightly been wearing a urinal cake for a necklace."
"That's not going to happen. Do you know how many accidents he's been in? Besides that, he generally displays pretty poor judgement."
"I swear, Americans have no taste ;P"
"we gotta defend the skinny chicks! ;)"
's good for the soul"
"if you don't have a reason to live, find something to die for."
"If you spelt your name with an A, we could call you Ace for short!"
"Way to go, homo!"
"Whoever God is, he doesn't take notes."
"I don't know my SIN number, but I know my ICQ number!"
"Life... ah, life. It's an on-going game with the score always changing."
"I'm still a slut, except only with one person now."
"I'm like, a dog in heat for positive reinforcement"
"Eat money. Screw gravity. Drink the sun. Dream like a stone."
"A true God wouldn't require recognition or praise; if their job is to take care of us then they should be content to do their job -- with or without posturing subjects."
"'remembre'? what am I, Canadian or something?"
"They say hate the sin, but love the sinner. I say hate the bible thumper, but don't hate the bible. It's not the bible's fault all these idiots are getting the message wrong."
"Canucks are the BEST at the WORST let-downs."
"You always were a crazy cat lady, you just never had the cats."
"cookies are like novocaine"
"Sometimes I get the feeling that memories are our Braille on the pages of life. We can't see them unless we feel first."
"I can take hell. Bring it on."
"free is my favourite word"
"Again with the bashing of Canada! You Americans are just upset that we're bigger and on top."
"Comparisons don't prove anything except that we're all different."